IS THIS SLOW NEWS YEAR OVER YET? Just kidding, this has been the longest year ever and we are officially dead now, except for how we’re NOT. That’s right, Wonkette is comin’ atcha on New Year’s Eve, and after we finish some very important New Year’s drinking, we’ll be comin’ atcha in 2018 too, to cover the news of the year when we patriotic Americans take this shit back, starting with Congress in November.
But before we do that, let’s take a moment to look back at the top 10 stories of 2017, because does anybody even remember what stories happened this past year? We do not. Something about Donald Trump probably.
As always, since this is a top 10 post, we must ask you to give us as many dollars as your heart can part with, because if you love Wonkette, you gotta remember this joint is ad-free and fully supported by readers like you. And we got salaries and servers and all the other things to pay for, and it costs $$$. So won’t you give a one-time love gift or sign up for a subscription today? Thank you, we love you!
OK, without further ado, these are your top 10 stories of the whole entire year, counting backward, with a stupid .gif to present each one:
10. Jimmy Johns Is Evil. We Mean More Evil.
Yes, this story from 2014 FOR SOME REASON always ends up in the top 10, FOR SOME REASON.
9. Go Fuck Yourself, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, You Debased Redneck Motherfucker
We got yelled at by Twitchy and The Daily Caller for that one!
8. Maybe Ivanka Trump Is Actually Just Bad At Fashion?
The DEFINITIVE account of how she sucks at it.
7. Sure Guys, It Is Awesome That We Are Shitting On Kamala Harris
FACTCHECK no it isn’t.
6. Is Obama’s ‘Wire Tapp’ The End Of Donald Trump? Maybe! A Holy-Shit-Y’all Investigation Into WTF!
Sadly that was back in March and the Trump presidency is not actually over yet. But shit is still getting very real in the Russia investigation and the Democratic tsunami that’s comin’ in November is going to be VERY WET.
5. Defiant Hillary Clinton Still Releasing Book Tuesday, Even Though At Least 10 Men Think She Shouldn’t
Can you believe she did that? Can you believe yr Wonkette ordered it all “I AM GOING TO READ A BOOK!” and still hasn’t read it? Oh well, there is always 2018.
4. James Comey Kept A Motherfucking Paper Trail On Trump Because COMEY. IS. A. MOTHERFUCKING. BEAST.
It was really good that he did that, don’t you think?
3. Meet Trump Idiot ‘Brad.’ Brad Just Got Humilated On MSNBC Mansplaining ‘Economy.’
And it was GLORIOUS. One of the best cable news clips of the entire year.
2. Oh Go Fuck Yourself, Ivanka Trump
So weird how we didn’t get in Big Trouble Mister when we said that to Ivanka, like we did when we said it to Sarah Huckabee “Poot Lips” Sanders.
And finally, your number one story, presented by this manatee right here:
1. Vegan Restaurant Owners #Triggered Just Because Diner Didn’t Want To See Their Kid’s #Butthole
Clearly the most important #journalism story that came out of all of America in 2017. Hooray!
Here’s a cat saying fuck all this, by which it probably means “fuck 2017”:
Finished with this post! Come back in an hour, and every hour till midnight! Goodbye!
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