Search

Which Trump Idiot Is Going As ‘Robert Mueller Just Put Me In Jail’ For Halloween? Let’s Wonksplore!

Shit’s gettin’ real, y’all! Robert Mueller’s Justice League filed the first indictments in the Trump Russia investigation last night, and CNN is saying someone’s winning a field trip and special pair of bracelets by Monday. The mood in DC is somewhere between Christmas Eve and OMAR COMIN’, depending on your political persuasion.

The howler monkeys are howling. “That’s Doctor To You” Gorka is screaming that Hillary Clinton should get the electric chair. And Roger Stone is hallucinating that he’s on some fantasy island with all the black journalists.

Keep shouting “Cocksucker,” dude. It makes you seem very heterosexual.

Meanwhile, our Twitter feed is full of breathless speculation about who’ll be the first to get a knock at the door from Robert Mueller. Will it be Paul Manafort? Mike Flynn? Jared Kushner? Junior? Collect them all! (No, seriously, Mr. Mueller. COLLECT THEM ALL.) So let’s do a quick Rumor Mill Round Up, and cross our fingers that it’s relevant for at least half an hour before the clock strikes Scoop O’Clock again.

Renato Mariotti: Pack Your Bags, Paulie!

Mariotti is a former federal prosecutor currently running for AG in Illinois. Here’s his thread on the indictment.

Mariotti thinks Manafort is the most likely suspect, since he likes to do his money laundering out in the open (ALLEGEDLY) and has the goods on whatever sweaty, nekkid sexxytimes Donald Trump got up to with Vladimir Putin. Also, there was that one time when Mueller raided Manafort’s house and told him, “I’m going to indict you.”

Seth Abramson: In Like Flynn!

Abramson can be a little …out there. But does know his stuff (sometimes) so here’s his thread on Mueller from last night.

More to the point, though, check out Abramson’s tweets this morning on Flynn’s Turkish foreign agent funtimes.

Former CIA chief Woolsey choosing this moment to announce he helped in the Flynn probe is the second clue that Flynn may have been indicted.

If we’ve understood this correctly, former CIA head James Woolsey was advising the Trump campaign when he got invited to a meeting with Flynn and his Turkish clients. Woolsey got the vapors when the discussion turned to kidnapping a Turkish national who lives in Pennsylvania and makes Turkish president Erdogan cry hot, authoritarian tears. But Woolsey made a full recovery just in time to pitch his services to the Turkish representatives for the low-low price of $10 million.

Here. Let Rachel Maddow walk you through it.

Woolsey has been cooperating with Mueller, and also bitching about some people trying to throw other people under the bus to save themselves.

It is unfortunate, yet predictable, that in an effort to defend themselves, certain individuals have attempted to impugn the Woolseys’ integrity in the media.

(Psssst, Michael Flynn! We think he means you!)

So it’s possible that Mueller’s using Woolsey to nail down Flynn. It’s also possible that Mueller is indicting Flynn’s moron son Mike Jr. to ensure that his father will be completely forthcoming. Because it’s always Bring Your Kid To Work Day when there are foreign nationals to shake down for cash, and Mikey is up to his ears in it.

Tea Pain: What about Boente?

There’s also this interesting thread from Tea Pain on the departure of Dana Boente, who replaced Sally Yates at the Justice Department.

THREAD on Dana Boente’s resignation

1) Dana Boente serves as prosecutor in the Eastern District of Virginia where one of Mueller’s…

There are two schools of thought on Boente leaving. In Pain’s version of the story, now that Mueller’s investigation is kicking into gear, Boente has taken the opportunity to You’re Fired himself and get the hell out of Trumpland. Maybe he’ll even be a witness in Mueller’s obstruction of justice case against Trump for firing James Comey?

6) …,more importantly, he is free to serve as a witness in the Trump-Russia case, since he was present in the SCIF with Rosenstein when..

Which seems a little far-fetched to us, since much of what Boente knows is probably covered by various flavors of privilege. But who knows???

In the other version of events, Trump fired Boente in preparation to Saturday Night Massacre everyone and provoke a Constitutional crisis.

For the record, we are of the opinion that Boente noped out of the Trump dumpster fire on his own — he’s not actually leaving the building for a couple more weeks— AND a Saturday Night Massacre is in the offing, which is why Trump surrogates are out in force calling for Mueller to be fired.

Guess;Mueller and Media working hand in hand. Media to be tipped off. Mueller was FBI Director Who knew of Russian crimes before Uranium one


Fox News’ parallel universe: Asked about Mueller news, Trump’s former campaign manager pretends Hillary is president https://t.co/L2veb2nBKK

It’s a daylong Clinton-Pedophile-Uranium-Lock-Her-Up party at Fox News.

OH COME ON, WHY CAN’T IT BE JARED KUSHNER?

We know, we know, we know! It would be so amazing if it was a member of Donald Trump’s family, especially if it was a certain Jared Kushner. And we have heard chatter in secret places that it could be the Kush! But we’re not getting our hopes up just yet. Guess we will just have to wait until Monday and see if Jared dresses up for Halloween as a person who is in jail!

Buckle up, Wonkers! Looks like we’re in for some turbulence. And if we have to have this earworm all day, then so do you!

Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream …

IT IS THE END OF THE BEGINNING.

  • Um… what about roger stone?

  • I almost don’t care which one it is. I just want this to be the first domino that knocks over all the other ones, hopefully before they get their tickets to Argentina and Moscow booked.

    • If they go to Moscow, Vlad will bump them off for being so useless.

      • He might not even wait till the plane crosses into Russian air space. He can be SO tetchy.

  • Whoa, Rog. Switch to decaf, okay?

    • Roger has a free monthly gift box of Alex Jones™ Trucker Speed™

  • Damn,sounds like a certain someone got turned down by a certain “partyboi.”

  • Looking forward to the new Ivanka line of prisonwear.

  • Maybe we can ring up the British, see if they’ll let us have St. Helena.

    Well, it worked for Napoleon.

    • I was kind of hoping we could ring up the British in hopes they’d give us a second chance. Just pretend that whole 1776 thing didn’t happen, OK? We’ll even accept the moniker of “Lesser Canada.”

      • “Mom, we screwed up. Can we move back in for a while?”

        • That’s actually one of the storylines in a popular anime called Hetalia: The Axis Powers. America and his younger brother Canada (supposedly twins, Canada is younger by a few minutes) were raised by Mother England and a distant, conditional Father France. America turned out to be a rebellious, arrogant brat who is abusive to his younger brother and mouthy to the “adults” (Europe), and runs away from home. Canada is a neurotic pipsqueak who gets ignored all the time (even by his own pet bear, who in a running gag forgets Canada’s name all the time), except when America wants someone nearby to kick around.

          Canada suffers something of an identity crisis in that he can’t decide which of his parents — England or France — he is most akin to (France helped America run away at one point, but now America hates France and considers him weak). Canada has an inner child (and sort of alter ego) that comes out in his dreams sometimes: A chibi (or child) named Québec, who is also always trying to run away from home and move back in with dad.

          Ultimately, however, Canada is a much more sensitive boy who misses his “real” parents in a way that America does not. His real parents being the First Nations, depicted in dream sequences as a kind and beautiful Native woman and strong but loving father, who he comes to realize were killed by England and France. They taught both their sons to do the same, and so did Uncle Spain. But only Canada feels guilty over it. The guilt complex causes him to say sorry for things that he didn’t even do (and which, in many cases, are America’s fault — the monster that England and France unintentionally created when they let him/helped him go).

          So even in anime (and Japan certainly has their own atrocities to answer for), America is A Asshole, and Canada always ends up cleaning up the mess but never getting recognized for it.

  • Monday, Monday, can´t trust that day
    Monday, Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
    Oh Monday mornin´ you gave me no warnin´ of what was to be
    Oh Monday, Monday, how could you leave and not take me

    • The Telex machine is kept so clean
      And it types to a waiting world.

      • Cannot upfist this enough.

  • Time to start pranking Roger Stone until he blows a gasket.

    • Seems like an awful lot of effort, seeing as he generally seems to prank himself.

  • REVOKE ALL THEIR PASSPORTS!

  • I love that song so much.

  • Pretty amazing that we live in a time where there’s no way to reliably guess which of the people close to the administration will be indicted because there are so many likely targets.

    • Time for Mueller Indictment BINGO!

      • I think that Bingo card is bigger than those American flags they roll out on football fields.

        • OMG That means you’d have a bigger pool to draw from, and you could actually randomize the cards a little, like Actual Bingo. Someone please make this!

      • Has anyone put together a card yet?

  • ALL of their passports need to be frozen. Now.

  • Okay,I’ll go first.
    LOCK THEM UP! AOT,K!!

  • Lewandowski’s line is that whoever the lucky indicted one may be, it was a low level hanger-on. Unless Mueller has indicted the 16th White House Assistant Chef’s Deputy in Charge of Parsley Procurement, this seems unlikely,.

    • Haha! Lumpy is such a dumbass.

    • Tiffany is the one Trump to walk away from this

      • Well, and Barron, because he’s just an unfortunate little kid.

  • IDGAF in it’s already been said:

    Which Trump Idiot Is Going As ‘Robert Mueller Just Put Me In Jail’ For Halloween?

    Please make it “all of them, Katie.” It’s important.

    • I’m ready to drink some conservative tears

  • Does anybody have Melania Trump’s body double in the office pool?

    • The office poolboy. From what I hear.

      • Thank you. I knew this was a spectacular place for a joke, but I couldn’t properly phrase it.

  • About every hour, I think of a different favorite. Right now, it’s Dimwit Jr., just because GIANT douchebag. Also, he’ll never kill another elephant again.

    • All hail the Original–it really was the best.

      • You may very well think that…

    • The first “House of Cards.”
      Very creepy.

  • *wipes happy tear of joy*

  • I hope each person involved in this disgusting mess is feeling every bit as frightened, stressed, and unsafe as decent people the world over have been feeling since the election.

    • You think about what a10 year old undocumented kid with cerebral palsy is going through in jail right now, separated from her family, and it makes you wish some REALLY horrible shit on these motherfuckers. I’ll refrain from specifics due to commenting rules.

  • This was a hell of a season finale. For the first time in a while, I can honestly say I can’t wait until Monday!

    It’s funny: Trump brags about making great “ratings,” grabbing attention (and other things), but the Mueller Show is so much cooler.

    • Well, yes. At bottom (and yes, there’s lots of it) Trump has a very square-jawed imagination. He simply doesn’t have the nuance for cool. Oddly, the very square imagination doesn’t interfere with the grift. So, there’s complications, but not complexity. I have no idea what I’m saying, by the way.

  • And then the murders began…

    • If only i didn’t hate peach flavoured anything

  • I realize that it’s not possible, but I would fucking LOVE to see Hannity indicted.

    • Damn, that looks like fun!

  • This is gonna have YUUUUUUGE ratings.

    • The intertoobz is gonna break on Monday!

  • Where’s Rudy Ghouliani been hiding lately? I hope the Mueller crew isn’t forgetting about his balls deep and probably extremely illegal 2016 campaign involvement.

    • I figured he was in a senior memory care facility by now.

  • “Dammit, we were just casting for The Hunger Games: Trump Administration! How the hell can a movie compete with this?”

    – someone in Hollywood, probably

    • The Onion can’t compete with this.

  • Wait…where exactley is Twitler going on this upcoming Asia trip, and can you send him on not one of the official AF1 planes? You guys really don’t want to loose one of them to a non-extradition country

    • It would be worth the expense of the plane. But I’d much rather see him doing a perp walk, assuming they can find handcuffs tiny enough.

    • *lose
      pedantic, I know. but those planes are being replaced, aren’t they? didn’t tRump tweet about how he made the better deal?

      • I have a headache, so i spell right now

        • I don’t want to be an ass. truly.

          • It’s ok….i just didn’t notice. I am going to blame my tablet for being stupid

          • you do you. I was writing something else and I noticed that. that was wrong of me.

          • Also, midly distracted by George Clooney’s neck tattoo in From Dusk til Dawn (i have already watched Cabin in the Woods and Fright Night). My sister is probably coming over tomorrow and we’ll watch Hocus Pocus

          • cabin in the woods is one of my favorites ’cause of the ending, I, for one, do not like the happy everything’s tied up ending.

          • I love that it’s just so different, also, Bradley Whitford

          • a bad ending is hard to find. or, good, depending on one’s tastes.

          • Brazil, the director’s cut

          • have you seen Army of Darkness? well, Evil Dead 3

          • Yup. Possibly gonna watch again today…

      • Yeah. Two already built 747-8 aircraft that were destined for the now defunct Russian airline Transaero. You can’t make this shit up. Its like a bad Tom Clancy novel

    • I expect his return flight may be by way of Moscow and he may just stay there for an extended Vacation.

      • I don’t think Moscow would be very comfortable for him what with all his Russian mob problems. I don’t want to violate the rules, but “concrete overshoes”…

        • I’m good with that
          wait, no. sitting president disappears into Russia never to be seen again.

        • Predicting a hypothetical that might occur is not the same as advocating violence, therefore, no Rules violation. I’ll allow it.

      • Something tells me that Vlad wouldn’t be happy with his Failure in Chief.

    • How about a one-way trip to Pyongyang?

    • Oh, we’d get that fucking plane back.

      • why? we have another new one in production as we speak.

        • Fun fact: the two Boeing 747-8s that will serve as the new Air Force One had already been built for the now defunct Russian airline Transaero. Let that thought roll around for awhile.

  • I don’t know who it will be, but I still think opening a nice bottle of red on Monday and enjoying the news feed is something to look forward to.

    • Red is my usual. I’m considering champagne.

      • I drank a whole bottle of white last night, before i even knew! I was pre-celebrating

        • Wine hangovers are the worst.

          • I am not a fan. Headache is still lingering, despite the grrasy hashbrowns and caffiene

          • Oh, yeah… The thing that I’ve found that has NEVER, EVER given me a hangover is sake. One time I went out to dinner with a friend at our favorite Japanese restaurant in NYC and still can’t remember how I got upstairs. I can remember walking home, and I can remember getting into the elevator. After that… A blank.

            Mr. MinS regaled me with the tale of finding the door to the apartment open, and a trail of my clothes leading from the front door to the bedroom.

            Even after that, no hangover. The stuff’s miraculous. (And I love it also too.)

          • I believe that’s known as Cosby-drinkin’

            I hate blacking out, I always feel guilty when I wake up, as I assume I did some manner of ass-hattery.

          • You’ve tried cocaine, no?

          • Aye. What I remember about coke is that I could drink all night without ever getting drunk.

          • Coke and qaaludes and soda water. FTW. Uh — according to a friend.

        • I have done that twice since the election. I am absolutely convinced that they are putting less wine in the bottles than they used to. It’s a conspiracy, LOL!!!

          • This was a surprisingly tasty Sauvignon Blanc

  • so, maybe I’m just in my happy place right now…but, why does it have to only be one person that’s indicted? why can’t it be more?

    • There were four issued yesterday.

      • that is just lovely. thank you.

      • Four?
        Manafortes Jr. & Sr. and Flynns Jr. & Sr.?
        Jared, Eric, Don Jr. and…
        It’s prunes. Four is too few. But can there be too many?

      • What if it’s four counts on one person? Or is that now how this works? And sometimes sealed indictments sit for months or longer, iirc. Are we sure we get to find out who and what on Monday?

    • Love the slapping sounds.

  • HAHA! Headline story on dead bartbrite is a story about global warming hoax.

  • Who’s more likely to make your average Trump conspirator shit in their Depends? Omar or Mueller?

    • Conspirator? Mueller.
      Voter? Omar.

  • OT: Houston Astros infielder Yuli Gurriel will not be suspended during the World Series for his offensive behavior towards Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Yu Darvish during last night’s Game 3. Instead, Gurriel will be suspended for the first 5 games of the 2018 regular season.

      • He allegedly made a “slant-eye” gesture in the dugout and also referred to Darvish using a derogatory term that roughly translates to “little Asian”.

        • And not even a clever one.

          • He “apologized” in the sort of way that really isn’t an apology. Darvish, though, is taking the high road and basically saying he doesn’t want to get into an argument with Gurriel and just wants to avoid people making such gestures in the future.

          • Like one of those, “I’m sorry if you took my joke the wrong way” things?

          • Kinda – Gurriel also tried to defend it as blowing off steam (Gurriel played a couple years in Japan and had a very poor record against Japanese pitchers both there and once he came to the U.S.).

          • He also claimed he didn’t know it was offensive, but oddly there’s no evidence he ever did anything like that when he was a player in Japan, so he must have had some sort of clue it wasn’t a good idea. Either that or the spirit of David Duke just possessed him after his hit.

    • What did he do? Everything just says “insensitive racial gesture”.

      • Used a racial slur and slanted his eyes in the direction of an Asian pitcher.

        • He should die of cheesy embarrassment with votes.

      • He sat in the dugout and pulled his eyes back to mock oriental eyes. This is something that 1st graders do.
        EDIT: Darvish is Japanese.

          • Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these.

          • I read that in Peter Griffin’s voice.

  • I feel like we’re playing Mystery Date! Who will appear behind the door? Who has a date to the Big House? Do I have to go all Evan Peters on the TeeVee on Monday when we find out?

    Will he be a dreamy Don Jr, Jared or Flynn – or will we be disappointed with Eric? I’m shaving my legs for this mystery date!

    • SPOILER: They’re all duds.

    • HOLY SHIT I REMEMBER THAT GAME

      ETA: “You and you and you!” I wonder how many boys played with this game? I mean, you know there had to be SOME.

    • I was 16 and didn’t realize what was gonna happen when we went back to her dorm for her to shave her legs.

      • Bet you were real surprised to see Milton Bradley’s premier game Mystery date set up on the coffee table.

        In today’s world Mystery Date is called Tinder. Also when you open the door you might get an unsolicited peen image.

        • Much higher likelyhood​ of surprise penis or, God help you, meatspin.

  • Doubling down on my hope that it’s Dimwit Jr. In fair world, that little shitsucker would be arrested then set loose naked in the Serengeti with nothing but a string of smelly pork chops lashed around his neck. Prison would be too kind a fate for him.

    • you said naked and Jr and my mind just blanked.
      what were you saying again?

      • No no no just no no nooooooo

    • You’ve uh, obviously given the penalty some thought.

      • I fuckin’ hate animal abusers.

    • I, for one, would object that that is abusive… to the pork chops.

    • I’m just hoping that prick committed crimes that NY can get him for.

      • If only you could be prosecuted for not having a chin….

        • I’m not worried about that–I have plenty of those!

      • Absolutely. No chance for a presidential pardon then. I feel that way about the lot of them

  • Roger Stone is a train wreck I cannot look away from. He cannot be a real person. I feel like he is a figment of my imagination–some cliche caricature of bad comic books. You guys see him too, right? It’s not just me?

    • I see something. Not sure if it’s human, though. Could be a badly designed robot.

    • He is a cartoon character.

      • Wile E. Coyote libelz1!!1

    • And so is that Gorka guy. Really bad fictional characters.

      • Somebody photoshopped Gorka with a head that’s entirely too big for his body.

      • They’re like a pair of baddies from the old Wild, Wild West show.

      • That supervillain accent of his wouldn’t be plausible in a fictional story.

      • Gorka is like something out of Tolkien. An evil elf, or something.

        • Elf is Sessions, by popular acclaim. They threw him out of the cookie baking tree, and he ended up in Alabama.

          • The land of maple donut want the War of Southern Regression sending some hillbilly with a boombox to pull a “Lloyd Dobler vs. Manuel Noriega” operation against the hero in Rideau Cottage who’s legalizing devil weed. Keep yer Nickelback torture at home, you hosers. So Canada wants Sessions to take off, eh, before he has any chance to fuddle-duddle the bigly yuge legalization effort… and, apparently, they may get their wish…

      • I KNEW it. So my wife was right, I am crazy.

        Well that certainly takes the pressure off of defending my actions. I think I’ll go fry some bacon on the ceiling fan after I take the lobster for a walk.

    • He dresses like the Penguin, talks like a “sassy gay” stereotype who keeps auditioning for various Real Housewives programs, and has a fucking Nixon tattoo. How can that be a real person?

      • Do not blaspheme against Frank Gorshin. Another example of fine Pittsburgh youth.

    • He’s trying to be that. It’s deliberate.

    • Maybe Hunter S Thompson was in a horrible mind-altering accident, a la Harvey Dent?

      • Or just Mirror Universe Hunter S.

  • Is Roger Stone talking about Halperin?

    • I hope Halperin is the name of an anti-psychotic medication that Roger forgot to take.

      • Warning: Halperin may cause intense feelings of loathing and revulsion.

    • Roger Stone needs to take some Haldol

  • And I had Monday off to catch up an all manner of neglected items. Welp, that’s fucked.

    • Perfect day to just tune into the news & clean the house.

  • For other Stranger Things fans: Living in Trump’s America is like living in the Upside Down.

    • and its subdimensions: the Inside Out, the Bass-Ackwards, Uranus in retrograde…

  • In related news, video of Liddle’ Baby Donnie performing oral sex on Satan was defended by CNN analyst Jack Kingston, saying “reaching out to underworld leaders is why voters overwhelming chose this president in the last election.”

    • I had managed to avoid knowing that Jack Kingston is now on CNN. Trust me — ignorance was bliss.

      • Kingston IS the dumbest person in coastal Georgia, bar none.

    • Well, now Donald gets an orange suit that we can make fun of… karma payback for all the times Republicans hated on Obama for his tan (birthday) suit.

    • Finger part 2–electric boogaloo.

      I usually don’t care for sequels, but this one is good.

  • Spooky movies still to watch:
    Army of Darkness
    The Brothers Grimm
    Batman (the Burton one)
    Edward Scissorhands
    Ghostbusters (original flavour)
    Tucker & Dale vs Evil
    Young Frankenstein
    12 Monkeys
    Beetlejuice
    Donnie Darko
    Labyrinth
    Shaun of the Dead
    Sleepy Hollow
    Wallace & Gromit Curse of the Were-Rabbit

    • The Innocents with Deborah Kerr.

      • These are ones i already own…

        • Sorry. It’s probably findeable online- it’s old enough to be out of copyright, I think. It’s bloody awesome.

    • Ash vs Evil Dead is a great binge watch. Plus, Lucy Lawless! I have impure thoughts about her.

    • The Others with Nicole Kidman

      • Agreed, but i don’t have a copy of that one

      • Of the above list I like Sleepy Hollow. It’s my go to Halloween flick

        • I was surprised by how much Tim Burton i own….i also forgot to list The Corpse Bride and Coraline

          • So help me settle a longstanding debate: Is The Nightmare Before Christmas a Christmas movie, a Halloween movie, a love story suitable for Valentine’s Day, or AOT,K?

    • Let the Right One In (the original, not the American remake)

    • The original Last House on the Left has a really creepy vibe. Unsettling even.

    • There’s also an ongoing series of scary true-life stories called “American Horror Story: The Nightly News,” but that one may hit too close to home.

    • The Others with Nicole Kidman

  • My biggest challenge through all this has been to keep an open mind without getting caught up in crackpot conspiracy theories. The problem being that Trump’s election actually does appear to have been a giant conspiracy.

  • “All the above” is the correct answer…..and I hope the indictments all include the word “beyotch”, after the words “See ya in court”.

  • It ain’t the beginning of the end till we see the damn big grasshoppers.

Written by 

Related posts